Thoughts From A Former Tasting Room Staff

The other day I was working on my blog. I decided to change the coloring and just freshen it up. As I was "cleaning" it, I happened to notice some former blogs I wrote, especially one where I ranted about some of the customers I have met along the way.

Now you could wag your finger at me and admonish me for "picking" on the customer, but technically the wine customer is typically savvy about the world and if not, usually eager to grow and learn. However, like any group of people, there are always those who will try manipulate, mangle, and mash things up to get their way.

The lesson to be learned here is that no matter what kind of bullshit the customer gives you, it is important to keep smiling and/or refer the customer to your manager. If there is no manager around, then just keep smiling and create scenarios and dialogue in your mind to get you through it. For example, it is okay for you to visualize in your mind how when the customer isn't looking, you pour wine from the spit bucket into their glass. Of course, you really don't want to do that, as you want to still sell them some wine.

Here are a few tidbits of dialogue I created in mind of things I wanted to say - - but didn't. Just remember, keep smiling.

Me saying to customer: "Gosh, as much as we would like to accommodate you, we don't stack discounts. Our computer doesn't recognize them."

Me thinking: "Oh forget about all of those discounts. Why don't we just give you a key to the winery so you can help yourself to as much free wine anytime you want? Can I come over and clean your toilet, too? Really. I don't mind."

But I don't say that. I just smile.

Me saying to customer: "No problem. It's easy to see how we get mixed up."

Me thinking: "Ahem - and earlier you were telling somebody on the phone that the manager was your best friend, so you could get a special deal and now you don't remember what your "best friend" looks like."

But I don't say that. I just smile.

Me saying to new hot shot industry person who brings his friends in to dazzle them with his self importance two minutes before closing time: "Really, that is amazing! You sure know a lot about wine."

Me thinking: "You effing idiot. I know about you and I also know that you finally got your first job when you were 38 years old because your folks called in some favors and you've been living in their basement. Tell your brilliant wine data to the wine association. Do your friends know that your self named title of "Distributor" really means that you are the delivery person?"

But I don't say that. I just smile.

Me saying to customer who claims the Cabernet Sauvignon is bad because of the sediment (tartaric crystals): "Your friend is right. This doesn't mean that the wine is bad. If anything, this is a good sign. It shows that the wine has been treated with a gentle touch and not been overly fined and filtered. In Europe these crystals are accepted and appreciated as a sign that the wine is a natural one and you will be rewarded with all of the complexities that the wine diamonds indicate."

Me thinking: "Shut up you little freak. Listen to your friend. He obviously knows wine more than you do, you little whiney-pee-pants. Now lower your #%&%# voice."

But I don't say that. I just smile.

Me saying to customer: "Gosh, I am really sorry. We are not equipped to give out rainchecks for sold out vintages."

Me thinking: "What do you think vintage means and where do you propose we get these 2002 grapes at? Now mark an "L" on your forehead and get the hell out of here."

But I don't say that. I just smile.

Me saying to customer: "Wow. Good question. I am not sure when we'll produce a sweet white Zinfandel with a screw top that sells for $6.99."

Me thinking: "When hell freezes over."

But I don't say that. I just smile.

Me saying to customer: "Thanks for coming in. It was good seeing you and please come back."

Me thinking: "It's about time you asshole. It's now 7:20 pm. I thought you would never leave. We close at 5:00 pm and you show up at 5:20 pm, beg to come in for one minute to buy a bottle, you ate the last of the food, drank more than your share of free wine, and you didn't buy a damn thing. I've been standing now on my feet for over nine hours and haven't sat or ate since 8:00 am. What do you think we are - your own personal happy hour? "

But I don't say what I've been thinking. I just smile. Remember, just keep smiling.