Wednesday, August 30, 2006

They killed Kenny! Not from alcohol over the internet.

A few days ago I visited the set of South Park. Now that Chef is gone I thought the South Park kids needed an adult to make a difference in their lives, besides a lesson on how it is not cool to discriminate against interstate commerce -- a violation of the Commerce Clause, Art. I, §8, cl. 3 and the Twenty-First Amendment

This particular day of my visit the South Park kids were upset. Someone killed their poor little friend Kenny McCormick.

Stan: Oh my God! They killed Kenny.

Kyle: Those bastards!

Stan: Cartman, they killed Kenny! He died by drinking bad booze given to him by the guy who lives in a van behind the 24/7 South Park Mart.

Cartman: No! Wow, poor Kenny.

Kyle: My mom says it was the internet who killed Kenny. Kenny died of alcohol poisoning from buying wine over the internet.

Cartman: Kyle, your mom is a bitch. Everyone knows that Sheila Broflovski is always poking her nose in everyone elses business. She's just a big fat bitch.

Kyle: My Mom read an article by the Wine & Spirits Wholesalers Association (WSWA) and they said that millions of kids buy internet alcohol.

Cartman: Like I said Kyle. Your mom is a bitch. Carl Bialik from the Wall Street Journal said the WSWA's numbers were questionable. It is a bunch of crap! I tried to buy wine over the internet. It doesn't work. First of all I had to have a credit card. It isn't easy for a little kid like me to get a credit card. Kids do not want to pay over $25 or more for a bottle of wine, especially when beer is cheaper. Then you have to pay over $12 shipping and handling for the wine. UPS and FedX delivers and it is their policy that an adult over 21 years of age has to sign for the package. I'm too short to pass for an adult.

Stan: Cartman and I both took the online survey. The Wine & Spirits Wholesalers Association gave us $5 to answer it. All the kids were doing it for the five bucks. Most of the kids probably used it to buy beer from the guy who lives in a van behind the 24/7 South Park Mart.

Cartman: That's right, Stan. Besides, what kid wants to wait three to five days for delivery on a bottle of hootch? None that I know. It's easier to sneak it out of the parent's liquor cabinet or Stan's red neck uncle says he will buy us beer anytime we want. Uncle Jimbo has a deep appreciation for the finer things in life - - like weapons and beer.

Stan: The WSWA's complaint is a sham. Everyone knows it isn't about protecting the children. Us little kids are their excuses so the wholesalers can cash in on the profits from independent wineries. Besides, Kenny couldn't afford to buy wine over the internet. He doesn't even own a computer. True, the McCormick family is poor, but Kenny could always snag a beer from his father. Poor Kenny. He's been to Hell, Heaven and Mexico.

Cartman: You guys, this is all Kyle's mom's fault. She started these false rumors about how easy it is for us kids to buy wine over the internet. It's just not true! Kyle's mom even started a club so other adults would rally about the Wholesale Wine and Spirits Association. This goes so against everything that Cabernet Catie taught us about the Twenty-First Amendment and the Commerce Clause. It's all Kyle's mom's fault!

Kyle: Shut up Cartman!

Cartman: Kyle's mom is the one that started that damn club and all because she is a big fat stupid bitch.

Kyle: Don't say it Cartman.

Cartman: Weeeelllll...

Kyle: Don't do it Cartman.

Cartman: Weeellllll...

Kyle: I'm warning you!

Cartman: Okay, okay.

Kyle: I'm getting sick of him calling my mom a...
Sing along with Cartman using the lyrics below and find out what he thinks of Mrs. Broflovski and her involvement with the Wine and Spirits Wholesalers Association.

South Park - Cartman - Kyle's Mom Is A Bitch - The funniest videos are a click away


Anonymous said...

can't you talk about Chilian's wine????
sorry my basic English...

Matt said...

Funny, very funny. Well done and true. Its like getting good and cheap wine. Very rare indeed.
Keep on bloggin

Unknown said...

Catie, great parody. You are absolutely hilarious! You have Kyle and Cartman down cold.

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